“Baby, I’m so glad you’re here. I don’t know what I would do without you. You help me so much… Today couldn’t have happened without you here. You’re amazing, and you were here for me in a way that nobody else was.”
His bedroom is a dim orange, and his bed is soft and warm. The room pulses and bumps in the background, matching his heart beat. My hand is placed gently on his golden chest, tracing the lines and cuts with my freshly manicured fingers.
“Well, that’s what you do when you care about someone… you do for them what they can’t do for themselves. I’m more than happy to be here for you, in anyway –every way- possible. I care about you a lot, and I am SO proud of you.”
I slid my hand to his face and kissed him softly. His breath was cinnamon fresh, and it always left my lips tingling. I slide my body down onto his chest, as he wrapped his rippling arms around me, gently holding me close. He is always so delicate with me, almost as if he was afraid I was going to fall apart in his arms. He is considerably more muscular, and can lift twice my weight. It would be very easy to hurt me, but he treats me like a flower, always careful and respectful.
I kiss him again, smiling against his lips, as I run my hand down his neck and shoulders. His skin was soft and supple from me shaving him the previous night before his body building competition. He walked home with a trophy as I knew he would, and (in my opinion) it’ll be mere months until he qualifies to become Pro.
I don’t know much about Professional Bodybuilding, dieting, “carbing up”, posing, or judging. What I do know is how to make a beautiful man look his best. What I also know, is how to take care of somebody that I care about, and how to anticipate someone’s needs. He buckled down for months, isolating himself and dedicating his life to his passion, which is what attracted me to him, and I was going to do everything within my power to help him succeed.
I’ll be the first person to tell you that I don’t care about big muscles and big dicks. I don’t care about money and fast cars, or gifts and vacations. What attracts me is a quiet passion for life, someone who has goals, a reason to live. Living life isn’t enough... it’s actively chasing a dream that’s the rare aphrodisiac, which is probably one of the reasons why I’ve been single for so long. I’m not attracted to men, or people, who are just float through life.
For the past few months, I prepared meals for him, kept him company, left him voicemails to wake up to, stopped smoking and drinking in front of him. I altered my lifestyle for him, which I was more than happy to do. You change a bit of yourself for the people you care about.
Babying him in every way possible, I was changing the way that I dress and act around people, so as to not inconvenience his lifestyle or his image. I would spend my days at his house, alone, while he slept all day, prepare his food for him, get him off, and then I’d go to bed. It was lonely.
When he noticed I was unhappy, he would say “Baby, when I finish this competition, it’ll be about us. I’ll actually be able to go out, and eat at real restaurants, instead of 6 ounces of chicken every three hours. I won’t be tired all the time, and we can finally… spend actual time together.”
I’m not sure exactly what I expected. Maybe I thought that if I took care of someone enough, showed them what kind of future I could be, I’d be worth loving. After two weeks of excuses and missed dates preceding the competition, I started to doubt myself; I started to doubt us. After two weeks of “Goodnight Prince.” “Goodnight Princess”, and not much else, I initiated “the talk”. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months, and I think it’d be an appropriate time to talk about developing a relationship.
“2 me ur a very close friend… that I feel like I can tell you anything and talk to you… and I told you I am always here for you. I am n ur life I care about you I love chillen with you…”
After a few moments of deciphering the message, I responded, “Show me.”
Immediately I received a message back , “When I wake up, I’m going to go early so I can get my haircut and come get you, okay?”
I smiled to myself, excited at the prospect of spending my last two days in California with him before my two-week visit to Colorado. I responded “Come showered so if I’m not ready to get up, you can crawl into bed with me for a bit. I’ll leave my phone on so your call wakes me up.”
“Okay! :-) Goodnight Princess.”
“Goodnight Prince. <3”
I went to bed confident and excited for the following day. We had originally planned for me to stay with him for the entire weekend, to go shopping (I needed a manicure), and you know, spend time together. Do things you do when someone you care about is going to leave for an extended amount of time.
To say the least, that has yet to happen.
Flight 281 to Denver International Airport, from LAX leaves in less than 24 hours, and I have yet to see the only person in the world I want to see. After three rings, I get bumped to voicemail. I feel this sinking pit in my stomach, as I leave a quiet message.
I woke up this morning at 1:12pm with dried drool on my face, 3 new voicemails, 9 text messages, and an empty bed. I look at my phone to see a text from him, “Bad news babe, I left my wallet in Michael’s car, so I have to drive to Irvine (Orange County, an hour South of Hollywood) to get it.”
“That’s okay! Do you want me to come with you? I haven’t been to Orange County in forever! We can stop at Fred’s in Huntington Beach and get fish taco’s on the pier?”
“No that’s okay, I’m going to get it after traffic, and then I’ll call you.”
“It’s 2:30pm on a Sunday… there isn’t any traffic.”
“Right now there is…”
“Okay. Then there is.”
Perpetually feeling disappointed my friends, friends, family, and my career, I can handle… well enough, at least. However, the disappointment of empty promises from someone I care about, and trust my body with… well, it’s harder to get used to. I consider myself to be a considerably selfless person, and I trust pretty easily.
Mentors of mine suggest that my “ignorance and naivety makes me immature and stupid”. I think that living my life with an open heart and optimism isn’t immature at all. In fact, I think that it takes great strength and moral development to live life with the air and presence that I do.
I know that someday it will be my turn to meet someone who has a heart the size of mine. The thing is, the men that I date AREN’T bad people… they just don’t… care as much as I do. I have a big heart, and my grandma says that it’s unfair to compare the size of other people’s hearts to mine, because I’ll just end up continually being disappointed with everyone. Some friends say that I hold people to impossible standards. I’m not sure if either one of those things are true.
In fact, I ask VERY little from people. I just want to meet someone who will actually follow through with what they say they’re going to do. Sounds simple right? You’d be surprised how impossible that can be for some people.
But then Jamie and Vyckee call, telling me how excited they are to pick me up from the airport, and I think back to the last time they picked me up, with glittering “Matty Beautiful” signs, screaming my name, and running across baggage claim. I may not have a man, but I have two beautiful mothers who love me more than any man ever could, and although I’m sitting in a cold apartment in Hollywood, I close my eyes and think of the last hug I had with them, and I’m home. Even if it’ only for a moment, everything is okay, and I know I’m loved.
XXO
Matty Beautiful
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment