Starstruck. Baby Can You Blow My Heart Up?

Starstruckk. Baby Could Ya Blow My Heart Up?

Many people missunderstand my move to Los Angeles. constantly I am asked how frequently I work, who's makeup i'm doing, which famous people I have befriended, which celebritites I hate... It's a snowball of questions everytime I recieve a myspace comment, or wall post from a fan, or even an estranged friend. What people don't realize, is that although those seem like the obvious reasons to move to Hollywood; they weren't even present in my mind while deciding to move here.

It's hard for people to understand how I feel, because i'm not just any gay male. I'm am an extremely passionate, artistic, eccentric person who LIVES and BREATHES art and color. When someone on the street looks at me, I want them to see WHO I am. A balance of my personal expression, flirting with conventional boundries.

I wasn't born beautiful, like most of my friends. I never had a gorgeous body, I was never cool or accepted. Even by the gay community, I was an outcast for many, MANY, years. Only in the past 5, have I started to begin to accept my position in life. Like every other aspect of my life, nothing was going to be given to me, I had to earn it; i had to create who I am from the broken pieces i was given. Los Angeles is the mecca for the ugly, broken, and rejected. This is a place where you can take bits and pieces of the people around you, and create a new person. You become living and breathing found art. Walking the streets of downtown LA is like walking through a Lady GaGa music video: unique shapes and experiental color dancing through the streets.

Everyday is an experient. Everyday is a chance to create a new you. Everytime you sew a button to an old jacket, or clip in a brightly colored extension, or spray paint a stencil onto your sneakers, you're expereiencing the heartbeat of the city. You become an extension of what makes this city so great.

I have met hundreds and hundreds of people in Denver, and I consider myself pretty well known. Being the "big thing" has never been my goal or dream... it's always been being a part of something bigger than me, a movement, a lifestyle; it's what i've always wanted. My dream man? Dreams that same dream with me. In fact, I moved to Los Angeles to meet someone like me... Someone who created themselves out of nothing who had a unqiue beauty about them.

The beautiful thing about what i look for in a human, isn't that they have to live in Los Angeles, have a certain body type, or even dress a certain way... They have to be passionate and unique within themselves. You look on myspace, and you see copy cat imitators of sub-lebrities, everyone with their over priced corsets and matching hair... On the outside they appear to be such a free spirit, when on the inside, they are complete zombies like the rest of the world.The destination wasn't as important as the kind of people living there. If I had a better chance meeting someone who had a big enough heart to love me in Denver, I'd still be living there. I'd even move back from Hollywood for them. But the fact is, if there was really such a great guy there, i would have met him already. Trust me... i've searched. Los Angeles just has SO many unique characters, I HAVE to have a better chance of meeting that amazing person here.

I was seeing this guy named Erik, and he was a little heavy, had facial piercings, plugs, tattoos, was my age, and seemed really great! "Finally! someone i can appreciate! Someone who is a free thinker!" I thought to myself. Boy was I wrong.

On nights that he wasn't spending with me, he was stalking celebrities, and trying to meet them. He would drive to their houses, in the desperate attempt to "accidentally" run into them, just so that he would be able to claim that he's met them. You know those crazed fans with cell phone cameras that you see on TMZ and E!? He was one of them.

To add insult to injury, he would stalk my Twitter, myspace, and my facebook pages, see who I was talking to, add them, try and befreind them, and then talk poorly about me behind my back. Suddenly i noticed his pictures were starting to look like mine, his music player was a mirror to mine, and so was his myspace friend list. When I talked to said friends about his behavior, they just said "Oh we thought he was cool because YOU'RE friends with him."

This boy became obsessed with me in a matter of weeks, and was attempting to take over my life! Before i knew it, he was hitting on guys that I was talking to, quoting my twitter updates, and showing up to my frequent hang outs.

Josh Scott once told me that I shouldn't ever date someone because they were my biggest fan. You see, I have a problem with mistaking admiration for attraction. I think that just because someone researches my profile pages, that they have a genuine interest in me. That is definitely not the case... and I need to learn how to differentiate between the two.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and they told me that I need to stop dating "down", and I need to date "up". When I asked him what he meant, he said that i keep going after these sad nobodies, that work remedial jobs, who i'm only with because they worship me... and that i need to date people who want to share my life, not take it over. It makes sense, because I have very little expectations for people. If you're nice and creative, you're okay in my book. If you're funny too, we MUST be soul mates. If we listen to the same music, we're going to have babies. It's ironic that the less expectaions I have for people, the more they dissapoint me.

It's all so comical: my dating life. I guess this is to be continued. (Hopefully)

XXO
Matty Beautiful