Lets Do Some Stupid Shit. Lets Get Messy, Messy, With It.

I left California... cold, heart broken, and not optimistic about my future. There's nothing like a failed relationship to make a young boy doubt everything in his life. In a city of millions of people, it's easy to get lost in your own head, and feel alone. Especially when things haven't been going your way. I had no job, the cash in my pocket, and a pit in my stomach that was growing self doubt and blossoming into misery.

As I looked out the window, the sparkling view of the city was only interrupted by the smoke billowing from the middle turbine. "This is just brilliant." I thought to myself, as the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling, the plane started to shake, and the girl next to me started to scream. Of course it was my plane that had to have an engine malfunction, less than 20 minutes into our decent upon Denver. I sighed as i wrapped my arms around the hysterical 26 year old girl, who wept into my chest.

I stopped for a cigarette at one of the designated smoking areas before heading to the baggage claim to retrieve my luggage. As i poured over my red moleskin journal, a diet coke, and Anna Nalick, i lashed out at everyone in my life that was hurting me: my friends for not being there for me as much as I was there for them; the goddamn airline that nearly ended my life, Shawn for being exactly what i never wanted, and then treating me poorly, and finally to myself, for not being smart enough to see it, or strong enough to change it.

I was in the far corner of the dim airport bar, sunglasses the size of my hand, scribbling into a notebook, crying about living a life i didn't want. I was officially an episode of the Young and the Restless, poor lighting and all. I thought about everything that was wrong with my life, and how it got to where it was. I ordered a Grey Goose and Diet Coke from the bartender. Maybe he didn't I.D. me because I was the only person in the bar and I had ordered a $14 drink. Maybe it was because he thought I was cute. Maybe it was because I was a grown man crying in the corner of an airport bar at 12:37am. Either way, I was drinking some liquid therapy, which was well-needed, and after that flight from hell, well deserved.

The following two weeks were pretty standard when you visit all of your old friends, back in your hometown: drink, drink, drink, smoke, smoke, drink, hangover, Ugly Betty Season 2, drink, drink, get thrown out of a bar, drink, eat, smoke, rinse, repeat.

A week before my return to California, I was getting wasted at my favorite local gay dive bar, Broadways, with some of the best friends a boy could ever have. As I danced to Lady Gaga and Beyonce, I found myself surrounded by a little group of VERY sexy boys, bumping, grinding, and doing pretty much anything you can do that ends in an "ing". I stepped out into the below zero weather, lit a cigarette, and thought to myself, "I gave this all up for what? For Hollywood? For palm trees? For my 'career'?"

Zach, Jace, and Josh all pummeled out of the booming bar, laughing and talking. They saw me, and immediately flew on top of me, crushing me with hugs and laughs. We all went inside for another round of drinks, another round of pool, and another round of boys.

The sun mauled my face with the sharp slices of sunlight that poured through the busted window blinds. Blinded by the inconsideration of nature, i felt around for my cell phone. No missed calls. I rolled over in Zach's bed to wrap my arms around him and smother him with love, only to be shocked by an unfamiliar face. I shrieked and flew off the bed, peering over the edge to try and figure out who it was. It was a full 30 seconds before i noticed that i was crouching naked on a pile of someone else's clothes. i grabbed a sheet, and flew to the bathroom, skipping over condom wrappers, scrolling through last night's activities to recollect what exactly happened, and who that was sleeping in Zach's place.

Oh yes, it was Zach's friend... what was his name? Tommy? Andy? All this frantic thinking was making me dizzy and made me want to... I threw up the minimal contents of my stomach. That's when it all came back to me. I had my first group sex experience. I washed my mouth out, brushed my teeth, and hopped in the shower. The last thing I can remember is being thrown on the bed by... Jimmy was it?... and then making out with Jace, while some other guy who's name i never caught was getting undressed?

I closed my eyes and let the water scour my head and body, reading my patchy memory, slowly recalling my Moulin Rouge evening. i washed my body, looking down at all the bruises on my arms, butt cheeks and inner thighs. Things must have gotten crazy, judging by the treasure map of marks all over my body. I tilted my head up to the shower head, the hot water pounding onto my face. My eyes flicked open; I immediately remember EXACTLY what happened. Not only did I have an orgy, but I was the only bottom. ...and I was good at it.

I dried myself off, put on some clean briefs, and walked back to the bedroom. I check my text messages, and Zach went home with a boy from the bar. Thank god I wasn't the only one who had a Skinemax evening. I laid back down in bed, and attempted to sleep off the Hurricane Katrina that was trapped inside my body.

Dr. Alice Kim came back with my test results. Four days had passed, and my throat was so swollen, i couldn't swallow. I had a blistering 104 degree fever, and was so dehydrated that I could barely talk. Apparently I had developed Tonsillitis; a bacterial infection of my tonsils, which resulted in a stomach virus, making it near impossible for me to keep anything down. The first question out of her mouth was, "Have you had anything foreign in the back of your throat, or consumed anything you wouldn't normally in the past few days?"

After nursing myself back to health for a few days with DVD's, Penicillin, and Percocet, I lied there in my bed, unable to move, unable to do all the things I planned on doing before leaving for Los Angeles. I wanted to spend more time with my grandma and little brother. I wanted to spend time tromping around like drag queens with Zach, Josh, Jace, and Derek. I wanted to flit around Boulder with Kyle, drinking coffee and eating vegetarian.. but I couldn't because I recklessly abused my body, and let others abuse it. Was sleeping with three gorgeous boys a total blast? Absolutely. Was fucking and sucking like a champion porn star satisfying? In the moment it was amazing, but i sacrificed the rest of my trip to recover from it.

I thought a lot of different things over that week, but the one thing is that continually repeated it's self was that I wanted to take better care of my body, and my life. I NEEDED to take better care. I can start a dietary regime of Aderol and diet coke, and loose 30 lbs in 6 weeks, but I'm not taking care of myself, and BEING healthy. I don't just want to look great, I want to feel great. ...and the first step is making better lifestyle decisions.

As of right now, i haven't had anything to drink or smoke since that night (other than wine with dinner), and have cut fast food, dairy, and junk food from my diet. Is it always gonna stick? Am i going to be perfect all the time? Absolutely not. But I am going to start to make positive conscious decisions that will help my body. Maybe if I love my body more, someone else will.

XXO
Matty Beautiful