I'm sitting on the floor, coloring on a coffee stained drawing pad.
All of my crayons are dirty and broken.
So are my fingernails; rainbows jammed underneath them.
The box is peeling at the corners, and the sharpener in the back has a small, hard rock jammed tightly into it.
I turn the stained brown circle into the sun.
I pick up a dull brown pencil that doesn't have an eraser, and is covered in someone else's bite marks, and sketch little huts.
I think i'm a genus.
My little brother is across from me building a spaceship with broken legos, purchased half price at a thrift store.
My mom and dad took away my barbies, and now all i have left are neglected race cars thrown in the corner, and my drawing pads.
My best friend is such a precise architect as he stacks one after the other, preparing for space flight.
I need to go to the bathroom, so i walk over to my bedroom door, and tug on it hard.
It's locked from the outside.
I knock hard 7 times, signaling that i need to be let out.
I wait quietly next to a broken blue dresser that's decorated in ripped and torn stickers by children who owned it before us.
I hear heavy footsteps pad quickly down the hallway, stopping at my door.
I instinctively look up, waiting for the little hook on the outside to unlatch.
My dad's large, sweating face is shoved through the crack; asking what i wanted.
"Number one," i say.
"Hurry," he pants quickly," Don't knock again, after."
He opens the door wide, and he stands there naked, shiny, looming over me.
I brush past him in a huff, and run into the bathroom and close the door.
I reach over to lock it, but the lock is broken.
I hear him stomp back to his room; listening for the creak of the door.
The door never closes.. it's always open, just a little.
i spend a good twenty minutes washing my hands in the sink.
Underneath it, i hid a miniature Barbie that I got in a Happy Meal, when I was with my grandma.
I dance her around the edge of the sink, slipping her under the stream every so often, flicking water everywhere.
Before long, I hear my dad yelling muffled words from his bedroom to be quiet.
Apparently I started to sing to myself, again.
I hurriedly hide the barbie, and slowly creep out of the bathroom.
I peek my eye into my dad's room as i walk past, but it's so dark, i can only see a small flame flicker on and off.
It smells like burning soap.
The floor creaks, and the flame goes out.
"MATTHEW?!"
I run as fast as i can to the living room and look out the window; where is mom?
Mom is never home, ever.
She used to be my hero.
She is a part of it, but used to save me from this.
The earthquake begins as he chases me around the house.
I find a corner and start to cry.
I'm not scared,
I just want my mom.
I just want my mom.
I just want my mom.
My eyes are closed, and I just want my mom.
I hear my little brother, my best friend, crying from the other room.
He's scared for me, but i'm not scared.
I can't be scared.
I wonder where my older brother is.
If he was here, he would be with Robbie to keep him safe when I couldn't.
But he's with his mom.
I know he doesn't love us, otherwise he'd be here.
Otherwise he's take us back with him.
It's dark and cold.
The cement flooring is like ice beneath my feet.
I'm lying on a stool, naked, freezing and crying.
My bare butt is still burned from the spanking,
and my arms still ached red.
My mouth still stings and tastes foul, the dried soap bar on the oily ground.
I don't know how long it's been, but it's no longer day.
I hear a car pull up in the drive way, and I run to the huge metal door and put my ear to it.
I know my mom has come to save me, because i hear her shoes on the cement.
I knock on the garage door loud, shaking it violently.
I know she hears me, because she's screaming at him at the top of her lungs.
I hear a crash and a bang.
I start to cry when i envision what's happening.
i hear the stomp of her work boots on the kitchen floor, and i run to the door.
She opens the door, showering my thin, naked body with the light of the kitchen.
I squint and start to cry, knobbly knees shanking, my dirt streaked arms wrapped around myself.
I reach up for her, but she just grabs the back of my neck, and firmly guides my into the kitchen.
I don't know what i'm apologizing for.
If I keep crying, i'm told i'll get another spanking.
I'm so cold and tired, i can't even remember what i had to eat last.
I'm dismissed.
I run to my mom.
She pushes me off her, disgusted with my primal filth.
Naked and covered in dirt, i run back to my best friend.
He's sitting there playing with his legos.
His bright blue eyes sparkle under his shaggy blond hair.
He didn't even notice I was gone.
It didn't even make a difference.
He pushes me off of him, and then starts to cry because i accidentally broke his flying machine.
I hear my mom and dad scream my name, as heavy footsteps pound my way.
I dive into the bathroom to take a shower, and reach for the lock.
The lock is broken, so i get into the shower, and turn it on.
I hide behind the icy sheets of water.
i hear my parents go into the bedroom, but the door never closes.
It's always open, just a little.
The water is so cold, i have to get out.
I dig out my barbie from under the sink.
I look at her for a minute, and then i look at me.
my skin is brown.
my hair is long and dark.
my eyes are grey.
my ears are big.
My faces vanishes.
The room is filled with steam and i can barely see.
I dive under the water with my barbie in hand.
The water is so warm.
I wash my hair.
I wash my barbie's hair.
i'm clean, slippery, and wrapped in warmth, lost in my own world.
For a moment i'm free.
For a moment, i'm happy.
I'm 6 years old.
Matty Beautiful
